Freedom of speech

This last week or so has seen the ridiculous charge against Julian Assange, the creator of Wikileaks, in Sweden of rape.

This charge refers to him having consensual sex with two women, one with whom he used a condom and the other with whom he didn't. This is a unique law to Sweden that is equated with rape. It is not acceptable to me that rape is being trivialised and the definition is being misused, in this case against a man that cannot be legally arrested for his 'offences' against the American government for printing leaked documents on Wikileaks, but who can be arrested for 'rape'.

Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press are two vital rights that must not be allowed to be violated. One of the most effective ways to keep organisations, individuals and governments 'honest', is if there is transparency of action.

Please sign the petition below to support freedom of speech.

The Audition

Piano - Still practising two hands of my Bach Minuet

Cooking - um, made a vege and bean casserole that noone was interested in. I thought it was great. Just whacked a whole lot of veges and beans together and cooked it with stock. yum.

Book - Transferring the first draft to computer and editing as I go. Rewriting some chapters prior to transferring.

Salsa - goal abandoned.

The Audition - For those who want to know more

Despite committing myself publicly to the goals of : Learning to play piano, Writing a novel, Learning to cook better food, Learning to dance Salsa - I keep getting sidetracked by theatre business.

Having done my undergraduate and masters degrees in theatre performance and having worked professionally for many years, I do find it hard to let theatre go. I 'gave it up' around the time I turned 30. That is, I gave up the idea of auditions, of producing and directing and writing and starring in my own production, of applying for funding etc etc. I never gave up doing workshops, further formal learning, or teaching theatre. I have always kept my finger in the pie.

Every now and then the opportunity to audition for a role pops up - and I take it. This time, it was the opportunity to audition for a role as an ensemble performer in 'As You Like It', by Shakespeare. I attended an audition refresher course, I re read the play, I explored the text critically, rhythmically, physically, emotionally, vocally and probably existentially...all this took a couple of weeks.

When I turned up to the warehouse where the audition was to take place I saw many familiar faces including someone I had performed with a couple of years ago and someone I had directed this year. I didn't make the mistake of chatting and losing my character or ruining the long vocal warm up I had done that morning. I placed myself in a corner of the room and continued a vocal warm up, which involved 'picking peaches', 'pulling the barge' and 'bow and arrow'.

When I was called I was embraced by the director, who I know through the many and varied acting and directing courses that I take. I walked to the rear of the large stage in the enormous and empty warehouse space and projected to the director - making strong contact with the poor stage manager and following my Stanislavskian intentions to the letter.

The director didn't look at me but started leafing through the play. When I was done she asked me a few questions about my interpretation of the text and then directed me. Getting direction during an audition is usually considered a good thing, so I was pleased. About five lines through the director said, 'ok, thanks Susannah'.

there was silence.

'thankyou'. I said.

more silence. I left.

'that was good', said the girl whose job it was to lead the actors to the right room in the warehouse. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. There's no need to talk about it, we both know how it goes.

I assumed that I didn't have a callback, where they audition you with more intensity, as I wasn't asked to come back at the audition. But you never know. Perhaps the fact that the director was auditioning four people every fifteen minutes and had sixty people to look at that day made her evaluate her callback decisions later. As the days passed, my hope waned.

Finally three days later I received my rejection email. It had a lovely personal message attached that congratulated me on how prepared I was and told me that I had definately been in the running for the part - but she'd cast a more experienced actor.

'That's a really shit industry', said my husband.

I remember again why I felt I didn't have the strength to keep going and going with acting as my career...... oh I do love it though.

I had wondered if I could delay my conception plans until after the play was finished, which would have been a delay of four months. I wondered and wavered until by the time I was ready to do the audition I was determined to accept the role if offered and delay having a baby, despite my steadily ageing eggs.

'I can have a baby then', I say sheepishly to my husband. He smiles. We both know it's not that easy.

I needed to rest emotionally after my miscarriage, loney D&C and hectic holiday to visit the in laws. Hence the eight weeks or so since my last entry. After spending my time meeting doctors and making appointments for the operation I finally got on the plane to the UK to meet my husband and daughter - who had been sorely missed. Imogen, miss two, was a bit reserved for the first day - seemingly cross with me for making her miss me - as she then clung strongly for the rest of the month long holiday.

The holiday was wonderful. Glasgow is gorgeous and we had the one week of sunny weather that they get at our full disposal. Bath was beautiful and full of Jane Austen references that my book loving self indulged in fully. Bournemouth was pleasant - but rainy. But London - London was the best. Notting Hill, Bayswater, Chelsea, Hyde Park, I could go on and on.

And so the attempts at conceiving continue... .

The piano, the salsa, the book, the cooking - it all fades into insignificance as it is set against the context of having a baby. My desire to find an identity, to achieve goals and to be someone extra than who I was have all faded.

Although -

Piano - still thumping away at Bach's Minuet 3. Two hands now, just not even or beautiful yet.

Salsa - Forget it

Cooking - Brown rice risotto, wholemeal pasta dishes, laksa's, vege wraps etc. The same as before I started the blog...whatever. . I haven't opened a cookbook in months.

The Book - I am, I do admit, feeling proud and excited about this. I'm onto my second draft and enjoying every minute of it.

A missed baby

Book - I have finished the first draft of fifteen chapters of my nineteen chapter book. yay.

Cooking -

Roasted vegetable and feta tart - The vegetarian student cookbook, Hamlyn

Vera's Salad dressing -

Apple Cider Vinegar 3 tbsp

Honey 1 tspn

Olive Oil 3tbspn

Water 2 Tbspn

Salt fingerful

Pepper fingerful

Green Stuff - basil, parsley, chives, spring onion (whatever you have) chopped up

Mix it all together and shake.

Piano - er, too busy.

Salsa - unable - more detail below

Pregnancy - more detail below.

My pregnancy goal - for those who want to know more.

The many many readers I have at this stage of my blog will be desperate to know where I've been. After directing the staged reading I found myself with a terrible deep tiredness. I knew that I would be weary, the little toddler was waking around three times a night and after a full day of looking after her I would then head off to direct a rather high maintenance cast for three to five hours.

But this was too much.

I eventually took a pregnancy test.

'oh', said hubby.

'I knew it', I said. Also feeling a little flat.

'It's just that I wanted our holiday to be really fun. I wanted you to get pregnant after our holiday. I know it's my fault, I'm just surprised that's all'.

'oh, well, it's just a bit earlier than expected. No drinking on our scotland holiday that's all'.

I'm also dreading the terrible nausea that I had with our first. It laid me flat from week six until week fourteen of the pregnancy. 'NOOOOOOOOHHHHH', my memory is screaming.

But we get into it. This is a wanted baby, and a planned one, just earlier than we thought.

The day before we are due to fly out Imogen is in daycare so I run around doing some last minute things before we go, like getting my bloods and my dating scan done.

'Can you wait around for a minute or two to see the doctor', a wide eyed woman asks me.

'Um, i guess, can't it wait till I get back in four weeks'.

'Well, its just routine, but it's very, very, very important you don't leave without seeing the doctor'.

She gets on the telephone to push the formal results for the scan through so that she can send it through to my GP. She asks the receptionist to call the GP to get me into his room immediately. I can see somethings up.

The receptionist peers at me through the glass window. She must forget I can hear her.

'And she thinks she's pregnant?', she says.

I call my husband.

It's not nice to tell him the heart beat stopped a couple of days ago, and not nice to say I'm not getting on the plane tomorrow morning. We're both calm and he rings the travel agent to rearrange my flight.

I have one moment of terrible terrible sadness when I'm waiting for husband to come in the door after work. We have a long hug.

The next morning I drive them to the airport and head home with purpose to organise my hospital visit. I've insisted they go. It's my husbands only holiday time and he hasn't seen his family in six years. They've never met Imogen. I call my friend.

'It's not a simple operation', she says. 'It's like what they do when you have an abortion. They put you under general anaesthetic and make you sign a form to say you won't leave the hospital unattended and they don't want you to be alone for 24 hours unless you haemorrhage or something'.

'Right. wow. Would you be able to pick me up from the hospital then? I ask.

'I'm not free actually, I met a really, really nice backpacker and we're going out for dinner. I've already cancelled on her once and I don't want to do it again'.

I feel the absence of my husband.

Fortunately my friend Kate who has a husband, a daughter, a job and not much spare time agrees to pick me up and have me stay the night at her house. I feel better.

'Are you ok?' she asks as I lie sleepily on the hospital bed.

I smile. I've just been thinking about the little person who won't be. I just want to get on that plane and get to my family.

'Yeah. Thankyou.' I'm lucky I conceive easily. I wonder about the poor women who take years to conceive and then lose a baby.

'You've got a fifty fifty chance of keeping a baby at forty', the doctor told me.

The rushed manner of dealing with it, the frantic fun filled holiday and then the serious plans to try again have kept me positive.

We're back home. And we're trying again.

What I need to achieve within one year while being pregnant, learning the piano, how to cook and writing a novel...hmmmmmm....!!???

The Sixth Week

Book - Nothing

Cooking - Turmeric Tofu with Cherry Tomato Quinua Pilaf from 'Miss Dahl's Voluptuous Delights, by Sophie Dahl. (Daughter hated it, had weetbix)

(I think that Imogen will regret not having eaten this dish as I will tell her when she is older that Sophie is the granddaughter of the man who I am sure will be one of her fave authors, Roald. I will also tell her that Sophie is my secret bff, unbeknownst to her due to the unfortunate fact that we have never met, although I imagine Imogen probably won't care about the second bit.)

Piano - After having missed my lesson last week due to Miss Imogen's illness I was very keen this week and turned up fifteen minutes early. Unfortunately I didn't have my mobile charged and missed the reminder call that it is school holidays this week. I went home again. And yes, that does mean that I am the only adult in the hall lined up waiting for my turn to enter the piano room for my half hour lesson. And no, I don't care that I am three quarters larger than the six and eight year olds who are already playing Debussy and Tchaikovsky or that I plonk away studiously while they bend and sway with emotion. Although I do have an unspoken enmity with one little fellow of Chinese descent who despises me and knocks loudly on the door when four o clock comes around. I am practising and have the right hand down, I'm struggling a little with the left.

Salsa - I received a circular newsletter from Picante dance advertising special workshops and bootcamps in Ladies Styling, Salsa, Rueda and other forms of dance. I wrote back with eager interest and booked in for Ladies Styling, a Salsa Workshop and listed my interest as being a performer for the Rueda in response to their callout. Unfortunately the workshops are happening on a day when I have had to schedule rehearsals for the staged reading of a new play by Ron Elisha that I am staging on the 27th July.

Baby - I realise I haven't commented on this, as I said I may not on my first weeks post. However, I should let you know that we are planning to stop birth control in five weeks when we are on holiday to visit the husband's family in Britain.

The Play and The Baby - For Those Who Want To Know More

The Play

I mentioned to you in my self introduction that I am a theatre practitioner. I completed my MA in theatre performance that I was completing part time, in 2007. After that I got pregnant and had a difficult pregnancy, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and after many ups and downs passed away in 2009, and I was being a new mum. Obviously I let a few things go and dedicating myself to working in an industry that is tough and callous and that often requires you to work for free to 'develop' a project prior to getting funding/a space/ a cast ect didn't seem right.

However, I have recently been in contact with a man called Ron Elisha who you will see if you google him, is an award winning playwright. I am not. I am no one. I once won a potted tree when I was 11 for drawing a bird. Fortunately Ron has allowed me to experiment with one of his works by presenting it as a staged reading in an upstairs room of a pub called the 'Toxteth'.

I was very excited about all this up until last week when we had our fourth rehearsal. It was the worst thing I have ever seen. The delightful and enthusiastic cast had not remembered a single direction I had given them, didn't demonstrate any staging knowledge and stood at the back of the stage staring directly at each other and incoherently mumbling their lines. I felt sick. Later that evening I got home to an email from Ron informing me that he would like to invite the movers and shakers from the alternative theatre programs at The Sydney Theatre Company, Belvoir and Griffin. I felt sick. 'Absolutely Ron', I emailed back.

I knew I had to get my act together.

I've called extra rehearsals, done heaps of work on the text, explained, re itereated, demonstrated and danced out my requirements. 'Um, I've got other stuff that actually takes priority over this', responded one of my overly stretched actors.

great.

I will keep you posted.

The Baby

As I told you, I had a difficult pregnancy. I had what is called Pubic Symphisitis. It is when the hormone relaxin makes itself known in your body in all the wrong spots. Relaxin is for doing just that, relaxing your pelvis so that it can separate and allow the baby to pass through it. Unfortunately it doesn't hang around only the pelvic area, it is in all your joints, such as your knees, wrists etc and it doesn't turn up just for the birth, it comes along in increasing amounts over the course of the pregnancy.

I pulled my ligament playing chasey around a drama room - a class I took before the baby came and I 'lost my life' as my friends warned me I would. It happened because I had Relaxin present, I would not normally have injured myself from this small run, the pain in my left groin region was intense and got stronger and stronger and spread to my back to the point where I couldn't work as a relief teacher any more - too much standing/stairs/carrying and where I had to lie in the bath for two hours, which is how long it took for the pain to go, just to be able to cope with standing up to make the dinner for the husband when he came in.

I guess it's natural then, that I have been feeling some trepidation about being pregnant again. Being sick last week reminded me how difficult being sick is. It was more difficult being sick with a toddler than it was before too of course. It made me realise how hard this pregnancy could possibly be.

I have been feeling genuine fear and panic over the last week. All the pain of the pregnancy and birth, all the inner panic in my concern and grief for my mother, all the memories of the exhaustion and clumsy efforts that are felt in the first few weeks of motherhood all piled on top of my head and jumped up and down like a heavy ballerina.

I had coffee with my pregnant girlfriend and was reminded of the journey of pregnancy. The tests to see if the baby has down syndrome, the tests to see if the heart and lungs work, if there are legs and arms, the wait to see if you can hold the baby until it is 'viable', the wait to see if it can survive the birth. So much risk and joy and trepidation.

I elected not to have private health insurance, which in Australia is not a dangerous or silly thing to do, but it does mean that I can't elect to have a cesarean section rather than give birth by pushing. I had a posterior birth and nothing we could do would turn her around. That means that the baby is facing a way that rather than the head neatly going down the birth canal the skull pushes ineffectually on your back - for hour after agonising hour.

'I can't do this again, I can't do this again', I sobbed into my husbands shoulder.

'Hey, hey....this isn't you', he said. 'You're tired. I'll be here to help you remember'

I'm getting resigned to it now having explored the option of paying for private care directly from my pocket. $5000 without the bed fees taken into account. I guess I'm pushing.

'You can't pick up the baby for weeks if you have a ceasar', my husband reminds me, 'you have pain but after the birth, not during. You have a toddler you have to look after remember, you can't afford to be out of action'.

I think sadly of the heamorhoids I've had in varying degrees for the last two years.

'I guess', I say.

'No, it's great', said my husband. 'It's just like Bridget Jones where she says she's going to do all this stuff and then does nothing'. He smiles encouragingly.

right.

The idea of this blog is not to fail in a public manner- it's to achieve, achieve, achieve.

'You must remember to breathe', says my yoga teacher to the class. 'So many of us are striving to achieve, we're rushing around, we're not living in the moment. We must let go of all these ideals of being power women and just learn to live our life and get pleasure from the moment'

I agree. I think all those women out there who are trying to prove themselves to be of value by achieving things and overloading their lives should really listen to that.

Anyway - back to me...

Piano - Missed class as Imogen has chicken pox. Will practice, practice, practice to make up for it.

Book - Got called back from my research to a certain Sydney suburb by Imogen's daycare centre who informed me that they thought she had chickenpox. Confirmed by dr. later that day. Will write, write, write to make up for it.

Cooking - Cooked grilled vegetables and couscous from my student cookbook. Later that night I projectile vomited in the hall, (didn't even get to the bathroom) and was sick all day sunday. Husband sick all day monday. Then Imogen with chickenpox on tuesday - surely that wasn't due to my cooking...

Will cook, cook, cook to make up for it.

Salsa - um, nothing.

The third week

If you are surprised that I am continuing with this blog after three whole weeks you are in the company of many of my friends.....the few that I have told about this blog.

Why have I been so secretive when it is so clearly a public forum? Um, I don't know, I just feel sheepish about all my goals.

Piano -

Practiced and tried to learn how many sharps are in each key. My teacher is pleased. I was given a Bach piece called Minuet 3 to learn today. A Boroque piece that requires the right and left hand to both tell a story at once in an intertwined manner...Getting there....

Salsa -

Nuthin'

Vegetarian Food -

I went to a bookshop to look for a good cookbook. Easy, simple, clear etc. I ended up with 'the vegetarian student cookbook'.

Um, rosti..did know how to do that one but I had forgotten it. Unfortunately by daughter hates potatoes I now realise.

Book-

Two chapters.

This week - For those who want to know more -

Oh dear - I'm losing motivation for the salsa. I got a response from the school I wrote to but they didn't seem very interested and told me I could achieve as much as the time and money I was prepared to commit would let me. I got the idea that I would turn up to a group class, partnerless as husband isn't interested, and start awkwardly jigging around with the large and spotty girl with glasses and then be ignored while everyone else whirls around in a leggy and sexy manner.

I mentioned to my husband that I was wondering if I'd overloaded myself with goals. I looked up and he was looking at me with a smile.

'What?'

"Nothing'.

My friend Kate and I took our daughters to the park. 'Why don't you just learn salsa?', said Kate. 'do you really have to get to competition level?".

"yeah, I dunno'.

I thought I'd look for a sign.

The next morning our new neighbours to whom I have yet to introduce myself, were kind enough to make their presence felt by having loud sex. He came too early apparently but after being yelled at angrily in a broad aussie accent, 'just do it, just do it, just do it', he banged away bravely if inneffectively for quite some time.

I'm not sure if that's a sign or not.

Or just a sign that I should not live in a Victorian terrace anymore.

Sigh.

The second week

Hello,

So. What did I achieve? Well....

Piano:

I have a lovely guy teaching me piano and I'm going for my second lesson today. He tells me he believes he can help me to achieve my goal......and maybe more.

I do have some small history of music that I should share that with you. While I never studied an instrument or learnt music as such I did complete a one year course in musical theatre in 2008 in which I learnt to sing, jazz and tap and a little music theory. The lesson was a good reminder and covered pretty much all the theory that I had left in my head. So - Loving the lessons, on course to achieving my goal, happy.

Salsa :

I contacted Picante Dance on their website and wrote a letter informing them of my goal and asking for their help and whether they thought it was realistic. They haven't replied yet but I'm sure they will.

I told my friend about my Salsa goal and she laughed at my ambition - which has made me more determined. There is one problem however, I plan to conceive a baby in two or three months. I doubt that I can dance Salsa while heavily pregnant and given that in the last pregnancy I had pubic symphisitis I doubt its wise. So - the stakes are even higher. I have to achieve my goal by the end of my first trimester which I am hoping will be in five or six months. do they allow women with rounded tum tums into the public arena in salsa culture? Let's see......

Vegetarian Cooking:

I dug up an old favourite I haven't made in months and my daughter gobbled it up. My meat eating husband saw what was for tea and quickly had a big snack unbeknownst to me while I was putting her to bed. So I thought it all went well.......

Recipe:

Mushrooms, capsicum, zuchini chopped finely (or whatever you fancy)

2 x 400g can of Lentils

potatoes (about three or four)

cumin

salt and pepper to taste

Cook veges in frypan in a small amount of water.

When soft enough add lentils and cumin and stir.

Cut and peel potatoes and boil. Mash

Place veges and lentils in a baking dish

Place mashed potato on the top

Place in oven to warm until ready to serve.

Novel:

I'm actually already up to chapter six and was up to chapter five before I started this blog. I've completed my layout and synopsis and character breakdown etc etc.

I don't think that this disqualifies me from giving myself this challenge as finishing the chapters, editing once or twice and actually finding an agent is still a really big deal. I completed one chapter this week.

The story of my Piano - For those who want to know more.

My husband is a very kind and considerate man and is very good at buying generous and well thought out presents. Unfortunately this birthday he completely screwed up.

I have been saying for the past five years that if I don't have a piano by the time I'm forty I want one and I want to learn to play. He did have a look around for me and told me that they were all quite expensive and given that we live in a rented home that it probably wasn't a good idea. I conceded this but stated that I would like a keyboard so I could 'skill up' and play nursery rhymes with my two year old. Around the same time I was also complaining about the many old and varied computers we have around the house. I didn't like what we could and couldn't do on them. I hated that I had to take down the noisy and rickety attic stairs to access our table top computer, I hated that the old mac was so out of date it couldn't even open hotmail properly, I hated that the laptop he'd bought for trading on was not being put to good use and didn't have word or good internet access. I hated it all. He said, 'would you like me to buy you a laptop?"

'NO', I said. (with great vehemence and very clearly I thought).

The day of my birthday came ( it followed the week of the surprise weekend with a bunch of my friends in a lakehouse that my husband had kindly organised) and I was seated in bed about to receive my present. My daughter was brought in to witness the great opening and my husband proudly pulled from underneath the bed - a laptop.

My face dropped and.....I started to cry.

'I was hoping for a keyboard", I said.

The atmosphere was awkward, we were all embarrased, we wern't looking at each other....and then my husband happily started downloading software and music from itunes.

I lost it.

The weekend after, without discussing finances or any such thing I went off to buy myself a keyboard. I had the keyboard, the amp, the stool and other what not all loaded up in front of the checkout and was wandering around the store until they got to me.

'STOP", I yelled out.

'I'll take that'. I was pointing to a darky and shiny upright real live piano.

'um, alright', said the salesguy. I'd complained my story to him already.

I rushed off to the bank and came back with three thousand dollars in cash, (it was reduced for the end of financial year clearance) and booked a delivery for thursday.

I didn't tell my husband.

I sweated, I lay awake at night, I had stomach cramp......

finally, the day before it was due to arrive I decided having him walk in to an expensive 'surprise' was not a good idea.

I came clean. He got cross....then laughed....and last weekend he and Imogen were happily banging away on the piano while I made a vegetarian casserole.

Nice.

Moral of the story - I absolutely refuse to forego things I really want and sit in animosity. I feel great. We're all happy. End of story.....except for the lessons and the challenge in which I believe there is still a tale to tell.....

Best wishes

Susannah

My Fortieth Year - My First Post

Hello there,

I have set myself the following challenges to achieve in my fortieth year. They are difficult and challenging but are things that I've always wanted to do.

The Challenges:

To learn to play the piano. I will learn to the point where I can give a concert to my friends on my 41 st birthday. The music must include a classical piece, a jazz piece that I sing along to, a musical theatre piece that I sing along to and more.

To complete my first novel and to get a literary agent.

To learn Salsa and participate in a competition.

To learn how to cook interesting and yummy vegan and vegetarian recipes.

Conceive a baby.

I need to do something towards achieving these goals every week and I will post my attempts and exploits once a week. (maybe not about the conception bit). :)

NOW - I have my very first piano lesson at 3pm today, in half an hour. Check me out next week to hear how I went and also the story of how I bought my piano against all odds. I will have a new recipe that you can check out and will tell you how I went in my search for a salsa teacher to take me through to my goal.

Wish me luck. Best wishes.

Susannah :)

An Explanation as to Why - For Those Who Want More......

Because:

I am forty years old. If you had told me at any point prior to now that I would eventually be forty I would have scoffed at you, as anyone who has never been forty before does scoff. As do people who have never been thirty. As, in fact, do people who have never reached the age of ten.

So, here I am, at the age of forty, coming to the realisation that I need to 'do something'.

Many people who are forty are too busy to 'do something' with their fortieth year as they have work commitments, children, spouses and creaky joints to take care of. But I have had a slow realisation that over the last few years that I have 'lost myself'. I am writing this blog to set myself the challenge of re-setting my mentality to find myself again and to also start a new chapter.

I suppose what I need to identify to you then, firstly, is who I am and so therefore who was lost in the first place. I will reveal many aspects of myself over the next year but in this first post I will summarise who I am/was by making a list of what was important to me in the time before I became lost.

I was raised as a vegan, when I left home I became a vegetarian who tried to maintain a strong connection to vegan sensibilities and lifestyle.

I was a theatre nerd. I worked in professional and independant theatre and completed my university studies in Theatre Performance.

I was actively creative - I wrote, I sang, I danced, I directed, I was silly.

I learnt stuff. I took lessons in things and enjoyed learning.

I was sociable and active.

Where I went Wrong:

At some point around the age of thirty four I was lost. I was so lost that I was scrabbling around trying to get a foothold and I ended up being more lost. By the ages of thirty five and thirty six I had seemed to forget completely who I was. This is despite being in a wonderful relationship with a lovely man who I married in my thirty fifth year, to whom I am still happily married. How is it possible that I could get so lost and yet simultaneously have achieved one of my dreams - to find a lovely partner and settle down?

One of my guesses is that it was a combination of things: trying to please and ending up lazy in my habits, being very tired from my job as a teacher and feeling I didn't have the energy to do the things I used to do, being distressed from negative dynamics at work and losing my personal confidence and ability to be assertive and self nurturing, not having anyone who I felt was a true friend apart from my husband - who was the same person who had to put up with all of the above.

Hmmmmmmm.

If I was not back on the road to recovery I would not be able to even conceive of writing the blog, I would have been too overburdened by life. But I am returning to myself to the point where I want to set myself a couple of challenges, here in my fortieth year, to give myself back to me and so that I can remember to never lose myself again.

These challenges need to be tough and they need to be things that I have always dreamed of achieving.

How I Started To Find Myself Again:

Not all of the ways I started to find myself again were easy or even fun, but they set me back on a path where I could see myself in the distance and where I was forced to reconnect with my heart and my body.

I left my job.

I had a baby.

I went to the gym two or three times a week with a strong focus on yoga.

I lost my beloved Mum too too early.

So now: to the challenges that I have decided to set myself.

Wish Me Luck

Ok, so here I am, I've written my first post and really committed myself to these difficult challenges. I will of course always be looking after the number ones in my life during all of this - My baby girl, My beloved husband - and ME. :)

Susannah :)